Parenting styles continue to evolve, often as a reaction to previous generations. One style that has gained attention in recent years is snowplow parenting. It describes parents who push obstacles out of their children’s way, much like a snowplow clears a road.
What is snowplow parenting?
Licensed psychologist Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., CNS, defines it as parents feeling it is their job to make sure their children never experience obstacles, unhappiness, or negative emotions. The core issue is that parents have a hard time watching their children feel uncomfortable or unpleasant.
This instinct is natural. Sarah Cohen, M.D., a child, adolescent, and family psychiatrist at Westmed Medical Group, explains that parents naturally want to help and fix things. For the first year of life, children need parents for every moment, so adjusting as they grow takes effort. It hurts to watch children struggle, so parents take over. Also, when parents are tired and impatient, they tend to jump in. This is especially challenging for children who develop in atypical ways, as such moments may happen many times a day.
Snowplow parenting is different from helicopter parenting, which involves constantly hovering and monitoring a child’s daily activities. Yet many experts say it is just another version of that behavior. Snowplow parenting is more common in affluent families, where parents have the time, money, and connections to deal with any issue their child faces.
Signs of snowplow parenting
It can be hard to tell if you are doing it. Beurkens says it often shows up at school. A parent might say, “I’m going to talk to the principal” or “I’ll find out why you got this grade.” Sometimes parents volunteer at school so they can step in at any moment. They say they are helping the teacher, but the real goal is to be there to solve problems.
It also appears in peer relationships. Parents get too involved in their children’s friendships. Beurkens notes that parents will comfort each other about their kids’ behavior, rather than letting the children handle it.
Effects on children
Children need to face challenges to become responsible, well-adjusted adults. Snowplow parenting limits these growth opportunities. It can stunt their maturity and ability to handle difficulty. Beurkens says children may not learn to solve their own problems, tolerate negative feelings, or develop the resilience needed in life. They may not see themselves as capable and competent.
Some of the effects include performance anxiety, pressure to achieve, guilt, taking failures personally, becoming easily frustrated or angered, and having reduced problem-solving skills.
How parents can do better
The key is to let children fail. Allowing kids to face the consequences of not studying, skipping practice, arguing with a friend, or making mistakes teaches them to overcome challenges. Beurkens says that when parents step in, the message sent is that the child is incompetent, even though no good parent would say that directly.
Parents need to learn to sit with their own discomfort. Watching a child go through hard times does not make a parent bad, neglectful, or mean. Allowing a child to deal with things on their own is helpful. Beurkens says parents need to understand that helping by stepping back is a good thing.
When to step in
Parents should still be there to listen, care, and offer advice. But then they should let the child take over and be independent. Beurkens suggests saying to a child, “I understand you are going through a really tough thing, and I get it, it must feel bad, but I know you are going to be able to handle it.”
If a child has tried to solve the problem, put in their best effort, and still cannot improve the situation, then a parent can step in more. Bullying is a good example. Let the child deal with it first, but if needed, the parent should intervene. Cohen advises teaching a child to ask for help. That is the best time to step in. Parents should set the tone that they expect children to try things first, but they are always nearby and ready to help when needed.
Takeaway
Parenting is hard, and there is no perfect way to do it. But certain behaviors, like snowplow parenting, can affect a child’s development. Parents who push hardships out of the way, even with good intentions, may cause unintended consequences. Experts repeat that children should fail and learn how to deal with their failures.
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